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wankery

Page history last edited by Tim 15 years, 11 months ago

Back to Games and Sports

Wankery

Wankery is a sport performed (not played) by the Wank peoples. In fact, it is suspected that the sport is exclusive to the wanks, with no other races or cultures wanting to partake in this particular brand of tomfoolery. Some scholars have put forth that learning the entire oral history of the sport, a requirement to become licensed to play, is also too troublesome for outsiders to bother with.

Performance of the Game

Wankery is played by two teams on an hourglass-shaped pitch with six referees and an egg-shaped ball (officially known as the sharsa, but usually just called a ball or an egg). Each team is comprised of fifteen members with four positions--1 goalie, four kickers, six blockers, and four carriers. The kickers use their feet to move the ball, generally by kicking it, but sometimes by trapping it between their ankles and hopping downfield. Blockers use long, tapered sticks to knock the ball away. Carriers have oversized metal spoons that is used to carry the ball; the ball is known to be very difficult to carry on the spoon, however, so a carrier who can move the ball from one end of the field to the other is quite valued. Goalies have massive ladles that are used to scoop up balls that come towards their end of the field and to toss them away.

The game begins with a wank-off in which the team captain of each team (usually a kicker, but sometimes a carrier) tosses the ball up into the air one after the other. The head referee decides who threw the ball highest and his team gets to lead off the game.

There are three zones on the pitch--the bottleneck and both teams' respective ends. In the bottleneck, there is only one rule: don't talk about wankery. Everything else is completely legal, so it often resembles a free-for-all battle, with carriers and blockers using their spoons as weapons. Only the kickers and carriers from the one team may move into the other's side. There are only a few legal checks in one team's side--the shoulder check, the spin kick check, the vs. spoon check, and the headbutt check. Scoring is done by getting the ball into the other team's net. One point is awarded when a kicker gets it in and six are awarded when a carrier gets it in. After this, the referees convene and may award the team a number of bonus points up to three, generally according to whether they thought the goal was expertly executed or not.

When a rule is broken, that player earns a foul. They must drink a number of gallons of bitterwater equal to the number of fouls they have in the game so far in one long gulp. If they spill, gag, or choke, they are sent off the field for the rest of the game.

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