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Zonard

b. 9,462

d. 10,435

Son of King Zermapon, Zonard was born to the line of Ronard after a period of almost continual decline since the time of Ronard the Shorter. By the time of Zonard's birth, any child born to the in-bred clan who had more than one testicle was hailed by court elemenstrologists as the "Heretoprophecied Savior and Redeemer of His Line." He was actually crowned king in 9,480, despite the fact that his father and grandfather were still alive (a closely-held secret among Zonard's political handlers).

Zonard's remarkable longevity is held by historians as proof that he was truly the destined heir of the long-lived King Ronard, though The Rubion Sword may have also had an impact on his lifespan (even though he managed to lose it about 500 years before his death). During his life he had many children, some of them human, and presided over Middleclang for most of the Spica Wars.

Zonard was remarkable in that he not only posessed two testicles, but also a magical third zotesticle which enabled him to produce offspring with any animal. Zonard famously carried his three testicles in the zocodpiece, a little-known artifact of The Sundered Era. The court elemenstrologists arranged a nearly continuous breeding schedule in an effort to produce a super-race of enslaved man-beasts by which the Ronard Dynasty could regain influence. As a result, Zonard is the literal father of the various races of Dolphinthropes, Homo Canii and the Chthonic Swinemen who, having been raised for meat for centuries, were distorted by the powers of Dark Elemenstation, revolted and serve as the villains in Book 8, where they strive to inflict upon the human races the same fate that they had suffered.

Zonard is also the literal father of the Zonardians, a race of half human, half White Dragon (or, possibly, half human, half Impera the Star Dragon). The first of that half-breed race were flung far backwards in time.

Around the year 9,935, Zonard rather tripped over an errantly-placed bag of lewt and accidently "lost" the The Rubion Sword in Oblivion. He later claimed to have found it, but that was a dirty, dirty lie.

As a result of his extensive breeding duties, Zonard was a peaceful and little-despised, if mentally impeded, king. He was easily duped by the temporal reflexarglamour of Yar the Sorcerial into a battle for which he was thoroughly unprepared. During the battle with Yar, it is fabled that power unleashed by the crushing of his zotesticle boosted Yar's telesorc'ly and moved the entire land mass of the Sickle to the far side of the world, causing The Sundering.

The Trans-Wirian Object (or, as the unwashed term this pitifully small hunk of rock and ice, "planet") Zonard is named in his honor, as is the continent of Zonardia.

There are those who theorize that Zonard's mother may have been a Chimera who transformed into a human, introduced to Zermapon by court elemenstrologists, thus explaining his strange sexual organ and hybridization abilities, however there has never been any proof to back up this claim.

Fun facts!

• Zonard had a bit of a bonnet fetish.
• Zonard was a master obo player.
• Did we mention that third testicle?
• Oh ok.
• For a second, I thought we hadn't
• Man, that thing is crazy
• Three testicles. That'd be hot.
• I'll be right there, mom! Relax!
• Three, though.