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The Wizbits Videogames
Note that while these are referred to colloquially as "The Wizbits Videogames", many of the games themselves predate The Wizbits and are actually related more directly to the Tycho Brahe's Elemenstor Cycle or other more tangential parts of the whole Epic saga. This is a little nonintuitive, but it's how we've done it for years, and it's too late to change now. Even the most argumentative people on the various message boards, IRC channels, and Livejournal communities would be willing to call Elemenstor: Snap! a "Wizbits Videogame".
In chronological order
- Grand Hierarch Adventures 1: Timeslip and Slide 1982, Apple II. Text adventure game produced by Sierra. Actually based loosely on the early Realmworlds title Realmmasters, it is technically not canon, as it predates both the books and the CCG. However, since it is so similar in spirit, it has been tacitly accepted by the fandom as such. The game is best known for its difficulty; few players got past the first screen, as typing each direction resulted in "YOU CAN'T GO THAT WAY!!"(sic). The highly anticipated sequel "GHA 2" was never released due to copyright issues.
- Harbinger 23 1986, Apple IIGS. A text adventure based closely on an informal project begun by students at Miskatonic University. Initially developed as a generic dungeon crawl, the release of The Sundering of Vhaxdi in 1986 prompted a hurried namechange and insertion of animated furniture, in the hope that there was money to be made somewhere. A feature of the interface was that the game carefully considered the various meanings of whatever the player typed, and chose the most likely as the direction to follow. Unfortunately this function was somewhat erratic, and adventures inevitably descended into a psychological battle of wills between the player and the game. During the hazardous final areas, it was not uncommon to see commands such as ">I really, really want to go east, please, the exit is just one room away!" and responses such as ">East is boring. You pick up the cupcake". The game did not win many fans, except those who were really good at reverse psychology.
- The Wizbit 1992, Amiga. A strange game primarilly focused around a head, presumably that of a Wizbit, killing baddies with bricks. The bad guys would then give off bubbles that would contain colored liquid, a clown's nose, or false teeth. The liquid would then turn into musical notes; once you had an entire tune, it would turn into money which you would have to catch. With this money, you could enter the shop, buy things, and leave (if you chose) with a body. Every level also had a crossword puzzle that must be completed to win the game. When each level was completed, you would catch a kitten if you visited it in the right order. At the end of the game, if you had collected enough kittens, you would fight the boss who had kidnapped the kittens' mother...and then play Asteroids. Lose at Asteroids: lose the entire game. This game was technically canon, but had so little to do with the actual storyline that most people forgot it was.
- Wizbits: Rockin' Skateboard Adventure 1994, SNES. A poorly-conceived game in which Player One was an Elemenstor with an apparent skateboard as his familiar (and lacked attacks), and where Player Two had a guitar as his familiar and lacked means of locomotion save standing on the skateboard with Player One. It sold poorly, partially because other than the appearance of the Elemenstors, it lacked any reference to canon.
- Super Wizbitball 1995, Sega Genesis. A poorly executed attempt at a story-driven Arkanoid clone. This game featured the bouncing head of Lander and his attempts to "recapture" the non-canonical "Gems of Asthemas." While the gameplay was lackluster and the storyline was laughable, many found great joy in the poorly digitized shouts of "Alas! The great gems are secured!" at the end of each level and cameos from series favorites.
- Wizbits Aloft! Sega 32X, 1995. An inferior hummingbird-based scrolling shooter.
- __Fuzzy Ottoman__, 1997. A Game Boy Color release that met with monstrous success. The game featured Mooty the Ottoman, who must make his way through a castle, sneaking by and scaring guards and monsters, to rescue his Elemenstor. The game was a hit worldwide and spawned two sequels, though neither appeared on a handheld platform.
- Wizbitz: Magic Sword King Maker 2 1998, PC and Playstation. A rather kinky Japanese import "adventure" game that featured much Magic Sword King On Magic Sword King's Aunt action. The accidental "E for Everyone" ESRB rating caused much controversy and several murder-suicides. Memorable dialogue included, "Eat more! You will not have familytimehappy GO GO GO GO otherwise!" and "CURRENT WEIGHT: 158 KG! YOU NEED TO FIND A TARP!" Gameplay included eating the correct food and a rather graphic "virgin deflowering" minigame.
- Fuzzy Ottoman Solid Playstation, 1998. The sequel to __Fuzzy Ottoman__, Mooty is once again on the case, moving through a much bigger area, with many more guards and monsters, to once again rescue his kidnapped Elemenstor. Though a grittier story than the whimsical Fuzzy Ottoman, it remained true to the original's gameplay, although adapted for a 3-D environment, and was another feather in the cap of its publisher.
- Final Furniture VII-2 Playstation 3, TBA. At E3, it was revealed that CubeSoft, since their bankrupcy, has merged with another company. They are now known as Cube-phonics. The game takes place at the start of The Wandering Age. Fogg, having avenged Eolia by killing Vantoth and with the Vampyric Wars over, now wanders throughout the land, aimlessly looking for a new goal in life. He has a post-adventure depression, until he is attacked by a Green-haired menace. Who is this new enemy? What lies in store for Battal? Will Fogg flip the new enemy over for MASSIVE DAMAGE? We will find out when the game is announced. It is known that the game will use all the PS3's features (including the movement-sensitive control pad, force feedback real-time-clock/calender lightgun, and touchpad-equipped headphone/broadband internet modem/disc launcher).
- Furni Fighter Playstation, 1999. Very rare. Third-rate fighting game pitting Furniliars against each other. Suffers mainly from unresponsive controls, simple character models, muddy and uninspired graphics and poorly designed menus. Most of the playable characters were created exclusively for the game to save on licensing. See the following screenshots featuring Cubbert P. Oakwood versus Nightstand Butcher Grimm at the Mount Wor stage and Yenpaoul versus Mooty the Ottoman at the Cerulean Citadel training grounds.
- The Wizbits: The Epicular Adventures (Earth, Air, Water, Fire, Life, Death, Stream and Carry cartridges, simultaneous release, 1999) for the Game Boy Color, developed by Acclaim. While a critically acclaimed card-combat RPG for its massive replayability and customization, fans rebelled against the nearly $320 investment required to unlock even the most familiar characters and cards - only possible by owning all eight cartridges - and production was cut short. As such, the carts are quite sought after, and full sets in mint condition can command upwards of $1,000 on the rare occasions that they surface on eBay. Electronic Arts acquired the rights to the series during the "drinking and pill binge" period and released no plans of reissuing any of the games, despite repeated petitioning from fans. It has been deduced by proponents of certain theories that Heart and
Unspeakable games have been released but in such small distributions that they have never been seen. This thinking is dismissed by more clearheaded fans.
- Wizbit Hearts 2001, Playstation. A bizarre mashup of Warner Brothers Looney Tunes characters and The Wizbits. Featured Porky Pig and Daffy Duck as mystical janitors who join the Wizbits in finding Bugs Bunny, who's been captured by Char Reyarteb. Along the way, our heroes venture through famous Warner Brothers movie scenes, meeting family-friendly characters like Batman, The Animaniacs, and Neo. Fan reaction was mixed, as the idea was quite bizarre. There was something rather satisfying, however, about repeatedly killing Warchief Bogg in a hail of gunfire using Bullettime (tm).
- The Wizbits: Rockin' & Boardin' 2001, Game Boy Advance. An obvious attempt to appeal to "hip young gamers," W:R&B was an update to __Wizbits: Rockin' Skateboard Adventure__, using the main characters from The Wizbits. The storyline followed Lander, Zula, Skip, and Penny as they chased Char Reyarteb and his minions into the future, discovering the wonders of skateboarding and Rock'n'Roll as they went. While it had essentially the same gameplay as the original, it was updated so that players could switch between 'driving' the skateboard and attacking with their guitar. It went generally unnoticed, discarded as just another skateboarding game. In addition, the game was shunned and hated by many ELotH:TES fans due to the misspelling of Lander's name (Landar). In 2004, however, there were numerous accusations by fans that Nintendo stole the unique driving/attacking gameplay element and used it to create their hit game __Mario Kart: Double Dash__. This sudden media focus brought the game back from the grave, quickly making it a bestseller.
- ELotH: Rubian Stones Power Fight-off Playstation, Gamecube, 2002. Claimed one of the best fighting games ever. You get to choose from a variety of prominent figures from ELotH:TES, such as Char Reyarteb, Harbinger Portent, Vaxin the Tiny, Lady Absinthia, King Ronard, Quilpo, and many many more. The game used a 3D area that you could move around in freely instead of a simple left-to-right, Street Fighter styled fighting. That mixed with elements of platforming made this one of the most profitable games ever. However, the company that made it forgot to put any mention of the games name, so the money now goes to a fat man living in some moldy shack somewhere on a road in Kentucky, who happened to be drunk one night, walked to a game store, and said "Oh this? I made this".
- Grand Theft Wizbit: The Sickle released for Playstation 2, Gamecube, and XBox, 2002, Rockstar Games. Players surprisingly took on the role of one of the War Men in this game, wandering about Battal doing missions for Char Reyarteb while harboring their own, secret, grudge against him. Heavy on violence and sexual reference, light on actual gameplay, it was nevertheless hailed by fans as a return to the true nature of the War Men. Judicious bribery of various game review companies by developer Rockstar ensured it met with critical acclaim, and controversial content made it one of the best-selling videogames of all time.
- Dance Dance Rubianlution 2002, Playstation 2. Only released in Japan, featuring ELotH:TES characters as avatars and songs made by popular ELotH:TES-themed J-Pop groups "Rubirocks" and "Watashi wa Waru Gai." Both were known for making ridiculously fast songs that were less than 45 seconds long, making the game both extremely difficult and very short. A second run of the game included a large warning on the back of the case after dozens of children died of exhaustion while playing.
- Fuzzy Ottoman Solid 2 Playstation 2, 2003. The second sequel to Fuzzy Ottoman__, Mooty is relegated to the sidelines after a brief opening stage. In his place is introduced Lub Lub, a dishrack mistakenly animated by a drunken Elemenstor, who is then promptly captured. While the same splendid graphics and gameplay return, the mind-bending, nonsensical and utterly non-canonical storyline alienated fans of the series. Plans for a third sequel were scrapped after __Fuzzy Ottoman Solid 2 failed to live up to sales expectations. The uber-popular machinima Without a Leg to Stand On is made using FOS2's multiplayer mode.
- Wizbits Elemenstor Battle CCG Online PC, 2003. This was an attempt to bring the excitement of WEBCCG online. Unfortunately, it revealed several fatal flaws in the specific timing rules of the CCG. In addition, the servers were entirely unready for the flood of people who had always wanted to play the game but were afraid to leave the house and meet other people. As a result, the game was closed after an unprecedented three weeks, although it still has a thriving message board community of people who are still threatening to quit over some perceived slight or another.
- Fninal Fnurniture PC, 2004. This copyright-threatening unofficial installment of the Final Furniture series alienated many of the last game's fans. Instead of simply repeating the tired old cliches and repetitive gameplay of the previous console game, this incarnation sought to capitalize on a growing trend in gaming: the massively-multiplayer online RPG. Though it was initially priced at a mere $25, players of the game are forced to pay a frankly insane $62 per month to maintain access to the online version of Battal they've come to know and love. Most of them find this a small price to pay in order to run around pretending they're animating pieces of furniture, and this is reflecting in the explosion of RectangleCo, who produced it. Fninal Fnurniture 2 is due out in the third quarter of 2006. Most fans are content to forego this game, and wait for ELotH Online The Bloodrage Chronicle
- The Ravages of Time and Lords PC, Xbox, 2005. Based on The Elemenstor Cycle, the player guides the main character, known only as "The Nameless Dread", through a series of 27 interlocking, yet visually unique environments in a quest to return the Skull of Crandaw to its resting place in the Vale of Union. Combining elements of both RPG and 3rd-person shooters, the game sold 4 million copies in the first week of release.
- Everybody Loves Wizbits! DVD, 2005. This DVD question and answer game featured the cast from TV's Everybody Loves Raymond!, each reading trivia bits from the Wizbits saga. (Note: This game was removed from market in May 2005 after several suicides were blamed on it, including this damning Everybody Loves Wizbits Suicide Note.)
- Holy Trinity: The Battle for Battal PC, Playstation, 2005. Based on an obscure element of the Saga, The Holy Trinity of three mystically powerful forces, this best-selling strategy game was hailed by its fans as the most well-balanced strategy game ever made, as well as being easy to learn but impossible to master. It remains one of the most popular games played online in the USA and Korea, with Grand Tournaments being held every year.
Announced future games
- The Wizbits: EXTREME Rockin' & Boardin' 2006(?), Nintendo DS. Follow-up to __The Wizbits: Rockin' & Boardin'__. Will support online play. No other information available at this time.
Release dates unknown
- Wizbits Rubian Wing an early Sega Genesis release that suffered from a non-canonical storyline and horrible translation. It nonetheless became an Internet phoenomenon. What story can be discerned followed the Twenty-Third Container Army, a group of Elemenstors that chose urns and similar pottery for their furniliars. When the rogue furniliar Hats launched a surprise attack on them, the legendary phrase "All your vase are belong to us" was uttered, and Internet history was made.
- Wizbit Trap for the Sega CD, Saturn, later ported to PC. An early entry in the abortive genre of so-called FMV (full-motion video) games. The goal of the game is to protect six young women in a remote villa from the evil intentions of dozens of Dark Elemenstors. It, along with the Grand Theft Wizbit series of games, became on object of derision for the ongoing video game ratings controversy.
- Wiz Rubian for the Playstation. The first Wizbits game developed exclusively for the Japanese market, and a complete flop. The vaguely rabbit-like appearance of the main character combined with a the simplistic timed-button-mashing gameplay, linear side-scrolling worlds (if the term can even apply to abstract collections of "wiz symbols"), and an art style that can only be described as "minimalist" utterly confused the Japanese gamers who were adventurous enough to purchase it.
- Wizbits Unleashed for the Wonderswan Color. Never released outside Japan, this hard-to-find gem is a cross-genre platformer/action RPG with card battling minigames. It lasts up to 45 hours, or with the 'Infinite Rubian' cheat, 15 minutes.
- Wizbits 3D for the Playstation. A mediocre platformer, although the spell effects were pretty.
- Wizbit Town Planner Simulation Game Yet another quirky Japan-only game. Released for the limited Japanese PC market, this game actualy had little to do with town planning. (It was thought that the exotic English title would help it sell). Instead, it resembled a cross between a dating sim and a grand strategy game (a la Romance of the Three Kingdoms). Acclaim attempted to localise it for a stateside port, but due to a rights conflict with Interplay, it was never released to the public. Rumours of a translated demo copy float around the Internet to this day.
- Wizbit Town Planner II: Mark of the Dark Elemenstor The sequel to Wizbit Town Planner Simulation Game, this title dropped most of the dating sim aspects, and focused more on city building. While reasonably successful in Japan, continuing rights conflicts in America meant that when the title was ported, the graphics and story were changed to expunge all references to Wizbits properties, and it was released under the name "Town Planner: Mark of the Dark Pharaoh". Without the support of the Wizbit licence, the game died a slow death in bargain bins across the nation.
- Wizbit On The Run arcade only, perhaps the only mass-distributed arcade game to ever feature a treadmill. Players took on the role of Skip, who had to chase his red panda Blunder through increasingly treacherous stages while trying to prevent the familiar from killing innocent bystanders wearing fancy hats. Working units can still be found at some fitness clubs.
- Grand Adventuring Wizbits RPG: The Untold Story of the Expositing for Playstation. This was notable for being the first RPG with no combat at all. The player merely wandered around talking to NPCs (such as the Grand Magistrate or Mooty the Ottoman in his first appearance) and occasionally "leveled up", putting character points in various skills that would never, ever come up in the game. It was touted as containing 500 hours of gameplay, but at least 400 of that was spent either reading dialogue balloons or choosing yet another exciting-sounding attack ability, with most of the rest of the time spent in loading screens. There is still a community of devotees who are convinced that if they keep playing it, they'll eventually find an Easter Egg in which they'll get to actually play a game of some sort.
- Grand Adventuring Wizbits: Tactics for Playstation. Trying to placate those they disenfranchised with the "non-combat" original RPG, GAW:T's combat-heavy gameplay sought to bring old time fans of the fast-paced CCG back into the fold. However, with its poor English translation from the original Japanese ("Sword of Fallen Sars", indeed!), the game experienced a lackluster reception in the US as the typos were so numerous the Prima strategy guide devoted an entire section to them. In addition, though difficulty tuning has always plagued the Wizbits franchise this defficiency was especially pronounced with GAW:T. Behind the first bush in the hero's backyard is the High Staff of Reilgeld the Crumbum, which when used, killed all monsters on the screen.
- Elemenstor: Snap! Based on the popular Pokemon: Snap! game engine, players traveled through various sparse environments taking pictures of Ambulatory Dressers, flying wingback chairs and other enchanted furniture. This game enjoyed moderate success, despite being a blatant money grab by the ELotH:TES property holders at the time. This was due to confusion by the buyer, most of whom thought they were buying a game based on Disney’s Beauty and the Beast®. The resulting lawsuit brought by Disney is discussed elsewhere, hopefully by a legal expert able to explain the intricate legal precedents set in the case.
- Elemenstorer An FPS set in the word of ELotH, infamous for its hidden scene of full frontal Furnication which can be unlocked by killing one of the bosses using only The Tweezers. Allegedly it was the first ELotH game released for PC, which suggests it was probably released around 1997-8: does anyone know any better?
- Canadian_McGraw's_ELotH:TES A 2D isometric jumping/shooter developed by acclaimed game designer Canadian McGraw, famed for being one of the goriest games ever created. It appears that the large amounts of time and money spent on the game mostly went towards modelling the breasts of the female characters and depicting hideously violent ways of killing enemies, rather than creating half-decent graphics or making a game that was any fun to play. It suffered from poor reviews and the company that produced it shut down soon afterwards.
Discussion
| Excellent job, whoever saved that screengrab of tW:R&B from Gamespot from before they pulled it over that Nintendo lawsuit. I remember seeing that misspelling of Lander as "LANDAR" and thinking that the game could be absolutely nothing more than a crass money grab that completely disrespected the canon. One of the few Game Boy ELotH:TES games I don't own, thanks to that. |
| Wow. This is incredibly comprehensive...great work. As a kid, I remember going to the library to play The Wizbit on the Amiga for 15 minute intervals, then dreaming about it all night. Memories. |
| Does anyone remember the Super Wizbits game for the SNES? I remember part of it involved hunting down nightstands that Gorg Stinkrot had animated, though one nightstand somehow managed to imprint the character as its mother. |
| The "current revision" deleted half the page, up to The Wizbits Rockin' and Boardin'. I did a revert to the last whole version, oddly by the same author who may have accidentally deleted half the page. -Jute Mill |
| Moved the new art of Fogg Struggl to the Fogg Struggl page. If anyone objects, feel free to overrule. -Montykins |
| OMG!!! EA announced The Wizbits: The Epicular Adventures: Heart last week! I knew the rumors were true! |