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Quote Virgin Unquote Omega Mix Supreme

Produced by an attempt at automatic writing via a Langoite, this drink, supposedly created by the unconcious James Langomedes, has sown more misery and horror than any other Langomedes-crafted drink, if only becuase the ingredients are all ostensibly legal.

Creating your own Quote Virgin Unquote Omega Mix Supreme is a somewhat complicated process. The directions must be followed exactly, or may your God show you mercy.

Ingredients

• 1 Bottle/Can of Bawls, Red Bull, or Serafina's Hot Love Express Power; liquid contents only
• 1/2 banana, sliced; gives smoothie-like consistency to the drink
• 1 live tarantula, medium-sized; may substitute two smaller tarantulas for the squeamish
• 3 servings of gas station energy pills, powdered; they must come from a gas station.
• 1 serving cough syrup, measured to the brim of the little measuring cup
• 1/12th teaspoon gasoline, necessary to keep the other ingredients from imploding
• The contents of one 12-guage shotgun shell, not a slug.
• The contents of one anti-oxygination packet from inside a bag of beef jerky
• 1 liter boiling bottled water, the steam of which dampens the atmosphere and helps lessen associated phenomena
• 1 contract for insurance coverage in case of fire, electrical damage, low-yield nuclear explosion, unnatural/inexplicable phenomena, alien abduction, and irrevocable damnation of the soul, finely shredded by hand
• 1 or more god(s) or deific concept(s)
• 1 lemon slice to taste.

You'll also need a blender.

Making the Omega Mix Supreme

First, boil the water until a thick layer of steam fills the kitchen or other area the drink is going to be mixed. Continue adding water during the process of making the OMS--bottled water only.

Next, prepare the ingredients: stir the gasoline into the energy drink, place the powdered and pellet ingredients into a plastic measuring container; cut the bananas either lengthwise or horizontally; ready the tarantula for swift introduction into the blender.

After preparation, place the ingredients into the blender in this exact order: first create a "nest" with the shredded contract, then add the powder/pellet mixture, then the lemon slice, then the bananas, then the tarantula. After a few seconds, double-check the boiled water, then, while holding the lid near, empty the can/bottle into the blender.

Seal the blender as fast as you can after pouring in the drink; if the tarantula "screams," "speaks," or "blasphemes," be aware this is a natural occurance. Set the blender to the highest setting imaginable and keep applying pressure to the lid.

If you've done this correctly, lights and sounds should begin emanating from the blender. While many find these noises unnerving or antithetical to sane existence, these are, once again, a natural process of blending the ingredients together. Ignore any lights (inside the blender or out), visions of pale gray beings (fleeting or lasting, even with full tactile sensation), or visions of imminent demise or endless centuries of horror.

After roughly three and a half minutes (err on the safe side--three minutes and thirty-three seconds seems to be the safest), disenguage the blender by unplugging it from its socket. Wait for the last of the lights to dim, then slowly remove the cap of the blender.

Finally, pour in your favorite non-conductive glass and enjoy! Should you feel The Urge (as it's called by Quote Virgin Unquote Omega Mix Supreme fans--or, as they call themselves, "survivors"), give in and let your god(s) have it!

Makes one serving.

Urban Legends and Legality

The drink is currently legal all across the world. It should be noted that scientific institutions forbid the creation of the drink around sensitive electronics, or at all, supposedly for the "safety of the bindings of the universe."

Curiously, while the rules of creating a Quote Virgin Unquote Omega Mix Supreme are harsh, no one can quite remember anyone having failed to make them. Various theories and suggestions have, of course, been shot down as nonsensical or heretical.