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Defense Twinkies

Page history last edited by Tim 14 years, 9 months ago

Back to Famous Weapons

Defense Twinkie

Although some would find this weapon in bad taste and of cream-puffy substance, a select few are masters of proprietors of these nigh legendary weapons.

The History of the Defense Twinkie

Developed in the years shortly following The Unsundering, by people of the Parsonyan Kingdom these twinkies were the first in a line of covert gadgets to be used by spies with the onset of Black Ops as provoked by the War Men. However, within minutes of the manufacture of the twinkies, the War Men ransacked the entire kingdom in one swift blow (They were known to blow a strong wind.) As the dust settled, a few Ninja, who had managed to escape the devastation by hiding under their well furnished beds, rose up and vowed to take revenge on the War Men for the deaths of their families and friends. However, as is always necesary, the ninja stole away into hiding, training within the nearby forests.

As years dragged on, the ninja trained incessantly with the defense twinkies (and perhaps eating a fair share as well) and as soon as news reached the region of the defeat of the War Men, the ninja returned to civilized society only to realize they had missed their only chance at redemption and revenge. So, rather than pursue the murderous War Men, the ninja began to pass on their training and teachings in the hope that someday a more valiant race than they might avenge those deaths of old. Yeaaaaah right.

General Usage

Despite the perhaps controversial beginnings of this strange weapon, many scholars will agree it is a weapon no more. Rather, most would say that it is, in fact, two weapons bound together by a small length of silver chain. Still others argue that they are in fact the bane of all things red and tall but, Gestah de Foole is hardly a scholar. When, if ever, an agreement is reached on the actual weapon potential/non-potential perhaps they might agree on many of the weapon/non-weapons uses.

  1. The first among these uses is, of course, handheld explosives. By filling one elongated twinkie with gunpowder compounds and very sharp pieces of glass you are half-way to being an accomplished mad bomber. Your initiation is only complete when a second twinkie is stuffed with a pull cord, the first twinkie is placed under your little brother's bed, the cord is unwound, the time is right, and you find yourself an only child once more.
  2. Although not as popular as explosives, the twinkies can also be used as a form of nunchaku. However, rather than beat your opponents to death with fluffy whipped cream, many ninja suggest inlaying the twinkies with stone. Follow these preparations with some solid nunchucking lessons and you are well on your way to mastering The Way of the Twink. Be careful, as confusion between nunchucking lessons and nun-chucking lessons can result in unforetold death and disaster.
  3. Another optional weapon enhancement/usage for the twinkies is as a poisoning device. Swing by your local Apothecary and pick yourself up a good poison. Then, place the twinkies in a spot where a target individual is sure to partake of their corrosive goodness.
  4. As a last resort, some people have claimed that the twinkies can be used as a means of sustinence. However, most people have ignored this due to the fact these sugary delights have no nutritional value whatsoever and are 70% air anyways. And you know what air does to you? Yeah that's right. Do you want to die of lung collapse due to puffy delight induced hiccups? I think not.

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