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Alambar the What the Hell Was He Thinking

Alambar was born on a very inauspicious day.

To clarify: It was raining that Thursday (the town in which he was born had adopted the Dwarven calendar for reasons unknown, but widely believed to be because the days sounded cool to say really loudly) (See: Dwarves)

Up on a hill, underneath a dead willow tree, a lone black sheep was grazing on dead grass in a field of two-leaf clovers.

A mirror hanging from one of the lower branches tore free of its tether and shattered on the ground, startling the sheep and causing it to sprint beneath the ladder used to hang the mirror earlier that day.

At that precise moment, a bolt of lightning shattered the decrepit old tree.

One Miracle Yearicle later, Alambar was born in the nearby town.

Alambar was raised by a humble Mud Farmer in the village of N'dsa'n'me until the age of 19, when a renowned Elemenstor who was passing through took notice of the young man and his particular penchant for creating mud of greater Epicness than the other farmers. The Elemenstor approached Alambar the next day and offered him an immediate apprenticeship and a ridiculously well-paying salary as a personal mud-enchanter. Alambar, not well-known for his good judgement, declined.

Then, he kicked the Elemenstor square in the jewels, called him a nancy-man, and poured mud on his expensive hat.

After this event, he became known as 'Alambar the Less Than Reasonable', a title that he insisted (until the day of his untimely demise) was far more accurate than any of his later titles.

Throughout his life, Alambar had many adventures with his stalwart companions Osteorin the Couldn't Resist a Dare and Furbles the Hireling, including but not limited to The Tomb of Pretty Horrible Things, The Keep on the Border of Some Lands, and less-popular Fire-Escape Caper.

His adventures came to a sad end, however, when his troupe came upon the lost blade of Sepathok, LightningStrike. The blade seemed cool at first, engraved with lightning bolts and positively reeking of enchantment, and only slightly messily embedded in the face of an unlucky tavern patron while simultaneously Chain-Sworded around the grisly remains of his torso (he was the last person to tell Sepathok that lightning-bolt-shooting swords weren't totally badass).

Alambar, in an unexpected and isolated fit of common sense, immediately dared his companion Osteorin to attempt to wield the chain-blade. (For exactly 42 seconds, Alambar was known as Alambar the Clever.)

One grisly mess and decapitated hireling later, Alambar was left alone in a blood-drenched tavern room with the obviously homicidal weapon. It seethed angrily, tiny purple sparks leaping from the blade to savagely burn away the corpses of his companions. Evil voices whispered to Alambar about his impending, gruesome death. Children began to cry and flowers wilted as Alambar gazed warily upon the enchanted blade.

A long silence fell on the room, punctuated only by the drip, drip, drip of blood pooling around the base of the blade.

Alambar's next and final action was what earned him the title Alambar the What The Hell Was He Thinking. Although Alambar died that day, and a number of children were committed to therapy to wash the images of gore from their minds, and an attractive barmaid waited in vain that night for the Less than Reasonable man who had wowed her that day in the inn to arrive, the sword LightningStrike was lost in the confusion and cleanup.

See Also: LightningStrike

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