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The War of Evil Pirates versus Eviler Pirates

-15,923

Introduction

After the Great Breakening of The Shield and The Sickle continents into smaller, more manageable islands, some of the land inhabitants took to the water. Whilst most were content with swimming, some of the more wicked decided on building boats.

There were instances of good people building boats, but this practice quickly stopped when the evil boat-builders would steal the good boat-builders boats. The result was a lot of evil sea-bound people aboard many boats.

Naturally, the established shipping lanes between the sixteen islands soon became very crowded. Evil sailors, known for their lack of diplomacy and good manners, began infighting. As the sailors were all so evil, no set traffic enforcement procedures were implemented. The good boat-builders who were robbed of their boats by the bad boat-builders would often chuckle from the shore as many an evil boat would crash into another evil boat.

Two factions formed as a result; those who were in favour of enforced shipping ettiquette ("The Evil Pirates"), and those who favoured anarchy and the freedom of movement over the sea ("The Eviler Pirates").

A great sea-based war erupted at Natralackpatarralhrr; a small, unnamed port that was lost somewhere between The Sundering and The Resundering. The National Union Of Evil Pirates chose to rename the small unnamed port of Natralackpatarralhrr to "Arrrr", thus easing the pirates' already slackened vocabulary.

Timeline Events

• Medianary 13th, -15,923 : Grand Master Pirate Dzjack du Marlet defects from The Union of Eviler Pirates to The Union of Evil Pirates, citing 'inconsistent levels of evilness'

• Medianary 17th : Grand Master Pirate Dzjack du Marlet booted out of Union of Evil Pirates' Members' Club for 'distinct lack of lewd conduct'

• Medianary 24th : The Great Battle of The Varying-Levels-of-Evil Pirates begins.

• Tropinary 1st : The Loathsome Grog Drought. The Eviler Pirates block all grog trades, thus restricting the flow of grog for both Evil and Eviler pirates. Both factions become dangerously sober by nightfall and the battle laxes, due to lack of 'Hair of the Dog' medical supplies.

• Tropinary 3rd : Grog production and distribution resumes; pirates become verbose, more piratey again.

• Tropinary 14th : Swashbuckling falls to pre-war levels. Many pirates resume their daily lives again, such as dancing a little jig. The war disperses from boat-based cannon fare to tavern-based arm-wrestling.

• Tropinary 24th : Dzjack du Marlet allowed back in Ye Scurvy Seadog Taverne again. A peace accord is written, signed and urinated on by the newly formed Noble Pirate Alliance.

Outcome

No pirates were actually killed in the War of the Evil Pirates versus the Eviler Pirates; although many developed tennis elbow from gruelling month-long cutlass fights. Sales of eyepatches and wooden legs nearly tripled throughout the war; although sales of blue parrots declined after Thribilit the Uncool was spotted sporting one. Once the pirates had returned to land to decimate the port-town or Arrrr, the good boat-builders slowly began to make boats again. They realised their key problem was decorating many of the boats with flags depicting skulls, swords, bones and hanging. This was quickly changed after the war, and flags went under major redesigns, and now generally sported rainbows, kittens and laughing children.

Ominously, one pirate captain sailed under the banner of a delicious cake. The unfortunate soul's vessel was found drifting across the sea, deserted by the crew, of whose whereabouts remain unknownst to this day.