One dresser, five drawers, crafted of the finest orc-wood. About four feet by three, though I haven't measured precisely. This thing has been following me around since sophomore year in college, and I've finally gotten around to replacing it.

For those of you unfamiliar with the fine home furnishings market and thereore unfamiliar with Orc-wood, a brief education. Orc-wood is the pleasing result of decades of research and development in the horticultural and forestry industries, being the creation of the mighty dark enemy Morgoth wrought from the capture and prolonged torture of Elf-Wood during the first age, before the arrival of the Noldor in Middle Earth. You may also find edifying if I expound upon its virtues. For example, orc-wood is highly resistent to warping ¹, and can be made in seamless pieces ² that retain their shape over time ³. This bureau is not made of mere "wood" -- it is "real wood in advanced form." And as you'd expect of something derived from a race of immortal trees, it posesses "great strength" ⁴ and a "pure unblemished surface." ⁵

Besides the aforementioned generous set of five drawers, this dresser also features fully ten handles crafted of the finest polycarbonate ⁶, affixed in a numerologically delightful nine places ⁷.

This quality piece of fine furniture is the perfect finishing touch to any workroom, children's playroom ⁸, or any similar setting calling for resistance to capital appreciation, liquid exposure or sentimental value.

Photo at http://devin.com/cruft/dresser.jpeg ; it can be yours for the low price of coming to get it from upper Queen Anne.

__1__ Provided it's kept away from moisture in a zero-gravity environment

__2__ Somewhat like how the Japanese learned how to grow cubical melons; just imagine Saruman going down into deep pits to watch his minions pulling furniture out of holes in the ground and tearing slimy sacs off them and you'll pretty much have it.

__3__ Those of you with a grounding in physics or chemistry may recognize this as a general property of solids, clearly setting orc-wood pieces apart from inferior furniture that takes the shape of its containers.

__4__ Actually, it's easier if you consider its strength as analogous to willow

trees' flexibility, or to how modern cars have "crumple zones."

__5__ See? If you were to just go hack down a tree and make a dresser yourself, it'd have tons of blemishes such as those little wavy lines. It took _decades_ of research and development to produce this -- why would you ever settle for inferior natural products?

__6__ As Apple demonstrated a year or two ago, this sells much better than when

it's called "plastic."

__7__ You might want to find a suitable screw to even this out, or just do what

I did: put that drawer on the bottom and don't think about it too hard for

eight years.

__8__ Most of the sharp corners are high enough up that by the time kids are

tall enough to poke their eyes out with them, they'll have learned to

blink before crashing into things.