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Kranakakrak

In war, few things are to be feared by everyone. Few things cause a war-man to wail, Emperors to weep, Kings to turn tail and flee. One of these things is a Dwarven Kranakakrak. These are huge crusades - massive moving armies of Dwarves, fueled by rage, beef and alcohol. Kranakakraks has crashed through continents, toppled citadels that were thought to be untopplible, and crushed armies 20 times it's size.

The Prelude

Dwarves are not easily stirred into going to war, being too caught up in their work. It takes a great orator such as Uregor the Proud or some sort of great insult to make them turn their intensity away from their tasks and into war. Indeed, a Forge-King can easily proclaim a Kranakakrak, but unless he does so skillfully, nothing will result. It's probably this stipulation that stops the Dwarves from simply out-and-out destroying anyone who opposes them.

Once a Kranakakrak has been proclaimed, all willing Dwarves (which is usually all of them) congregate in the fortress-mountain of Grothondogrim, and prepare for war. The only Dwarves which are not allowed to join are those in the fields of Agriculture and Brewing. Although the Brewers don't mind, it's another reason why Dwarves hate farming.

The Action

Once the Dwarves are prepared and stocked, they issue forth from the city-mountain and head straight for their target, whatever it may be. Using the Dwarven art of Axehammery, they can chew through any army put before them. No matter the size of the force, they can chew through it as Schnaack-hound can chew through rock.

Generally, Dwarves are actually pretty good conquerors. They don't ask for any tribute or loyalty, kill only armies which are stupid enough to get in their way, only loot and pillage alcohol and meat, and are very light on the raping.

The End

Stopping a Kranakakrak is hard. Very hard. If you aren't the subject of their ire, it's generally the best just to give them some ale and meat, then send them on their way. If you are the subject of their ire, then I suggest that you run. What most people don't understand is that a Kranakakrak runs on two things: Anger and Alcohol. Paradoxically, the best way to defeat it is too not engage it. Dwarves will eventually give up and go home if their supply of rage begins to dwindle. Several of the most powerful Kranakakraks of all time have simply been given the run-around until they get fed-up and go up. Another alternative is to disrupt their alcohol supplies: as they sober up, Dwarves become significantly less interested in fighting. It's not a good idea to disrupt their food supplies, however, since a hungry Dwarf is an angry Dwarf. Keep in mind that even a small diversionary tactic, (say, twenty men) could give the Dwarves reason enough to not only continue the Kranakakrak, but to even quicken their pace. A Kranakakrak has only been stopped in battle once: the fabled Battle of Wang's Peak.

Notable Kranakakraks

• The Dwarven part of The War of the Item Guilds. (honorary Kranakakrak. the term had not yet been coined.)
• The War of 102 Years