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Day Glow Colon
Bogyn's Nastiness Rating: 53 (Horrifically Nasty)
Creature Families: Mutant
Strange beasts, which while being quite dangeruous, are employed in several books to aid primary characters, by eliminating troubleome people for them. They are basically an extremly over simplified digestive system, with little else. Their bodies consist entirelly a large tube (growing up 6 feet in length and 8 feet in diameter) with a sphincter on either end, which is used exclusively to eat. They appear very similar to a "Like Like" from Zelda (), but more brightly colored. They have no organs or other body parts which are not dedicated to digestion, which brings great mystery to how the creatures reproduce. Unlike most animals, their digestive system is bi-directional. They can eat, and excrete, from either end.
While these creatures do not actually glow (i.e. they do not actually emit light), they are incredibly brightly colored, and appear to glow when viewed in even modest lighting conditions, much like the Stonecleaver. For this reason, they are found exclusively in dark areas, or in the broad daylight amongst other brightly colored objects. Males are hot pink, and females bright green. How anyone was able to identify their gender in order to make this connection is a mystery.
Because Day Glow Colons are so easily spotted, and the creatures have no sense of sight, smell, touch, or hearing, they are terrible hunters. However, they can taste with the entire surface of their entire body. They wait for something to touch them, and then if it tastes good (most things do), they eat it. Because they have the tendancy to loosten their sphincters after their prey stops struggling, the digestion process is viewable externally. For this reason, the process is often called "External Eating".
A smart prey can simply play dead, and then slowly leave the monsters clutches none the worse for wear, and head directly to the nearest bathing facility.
Nilfrem from the The Journey of Wolfgang Apprentice was said to have owned one of the beasts and kept it in his basement, which he used to eliminate unwanted people from his life, such as this excerpt, where an incredibly inebriated Nilfrem tells Wolfgang of the demise of Heaheshe, who was apparently Nilfrem's superior at some point in his career.
Nilfrem eventually began making some of his famed drunken-threats. I decided to
humor him. "Yes, Nifrem, I am sure that you are dangerous when crossed. I live
every day in abject terror. Terrified of the day that you unleash your vengance
upon me. When the day comes, I will richly deserve it, I am sure." I said in an
unimpressed monotone.
He began to nod off as I spoke, so I added "Will that be soon, Nilfrem? Because
I was planning on making some cookies for Behn and I later, and would hate to die
before I can enjoy them fully". I watched as he opened one sleepy eye, and fixed
it upon me.
"Hush up, Wolfgang.", Nilfrem slurred, "Don't upset me." He began to drift off
to semi-conciousness, and then began murmuring softly aloud, as the single open
eye gazed about the room, not focusing on anything. "My day-glow colon
externally ate my superior. (Heaheshe is his name) He's an Indie'Ahn. He lost
most wars dispite his amazing passiveness." Then the eye darted to me again,
menacingly. "You don't want to end up like him do you?" His eye lost focus, and
closed again.
"Do you mean.. eaten, passive, or being an Indie'Ahn?", I sniggered.
He paused for a moment, taking another big gulp of ale, as he considered my
sarcasm. "I think I mean eaten... but I can't be sure." He paused for a long
moment with his eyes closed, as the Ale in his hand began to tilt slowly.
I began to think he'd fallen asleep, and started thinking about what sort of
creature a "Day-Glow Colon" must be. I had to assume he was discussing a
creature, for I had never heard Nilfrem discuss his own colon before, and had
it been day-glow, I suspect he might have mentioned it sooner. I considered
this for a moment.
Eventually the ice cold liquid in his glass began to dribble down the side of
his glass, and run over his fingers. He awoke with a start, spashing some ale
to the ground.
"What was I saying?", he inquired, sleepily.
"You were telling me about Heaheshe."
"I was?!", he looked startled. "He used to be my boss.", he glanced at me
nervously. "He vanished one day... he.. ah... I think he got married, changed
his name, and moved to the other side of the continent. I'm sure he's leading
a meaningful and long life... Maybe he's losing more wars. That's what I was
saying, right?" He looked at me suspiciously.
I stared at him wide eyed. Had Nilfrem actually had some poor Indie'Ahn killed?
Had he been Nilfrem's boss? I decided to take advantage of his vulnerable state
and inquire further. "Nilfrem, What is a day-glow colon?". He started, and
tiny beads of perspiration appeared on his brow.
"Uh... nothing, nothing. Just an animal. There isn't one in the basement
behind the third door on the left." he said quickly. At that point Behn
entered. "Now did someone mention cookies?" he hastened to add in a louder
than normal voice.
Behn's ears twitched, and he looked at me, pleadingly. I suspected he would
begin to drool all over the floor if he didnt get his promised cookies, and
then I would have to clean it up, AND make cookies. "Yeah... Cookies.",
I said, and backed slowly away from Nilfrem, and headed off to make some.
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