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Broken Stool: Alchemical Boogaloo
Dust Jacket Notes
"What would you do if you were a down-on-your-luck Elemenstor with funky stool Furniliar in tow, chosen to lead a rag-tag group of misfits on their first quest ever to free their ruined lands from the menacing grip of Slurverb the Dark Raffle-Master? What would you do if your stool was pushed to the extreme? -smashed to pieces and just floating in it’s own juices? Would you get mad? Get even? Or get to business? The business of mending your broken stool! But how? Can you find the fabled Quiet Brotherhood of Enchanted Carpenters and Associated Crafts in time to not run out of time? Can you trust them? Does Sasquilla, the flowering young Clerical Healer feel for you the same way you feel for her? Only time (or the lack there of) will tell! Join young Sherbert Candydyam, a hot off the presses Elemenstor, as he tries to lead his new teen friends on a journey to save their ruined village, parents and honor from the most menacing, meddlesome perplexing vexing villain yet to be revealed in the world of Elemenstors! What would you do?!?"
New Characters, as listed on the Dust Jacket
Sherbert Candydyam a young Root Elemenstor. Can he get past his past and get one over on the bad guys?
Stooly the Furniliar that almost couldn't, but then could!
Greg 'Grizzly' Grumperthe beefy good-natured friend of Sherbert. Muscle in a pinch!
Shif'tay Mof'o Perhaps too quick with his fingers but good in a pinch!
Bl'ng Chiselchin The handsome archer -will he steal Sasquilla's heart or just borrow it for a while?
Sasquilla the flowering young Clerical Healer. But will her skills heal our hearts?
Shona Sveltington Once rich, now she is not, but can her giant bag of money purchase any advantages? And is that an enchanted sword, or is she happy to see me?
Lord Scranton Stufflebeam a "Second Level Enchanted Alchemical Joiner" and Head Shop Wizard of The Quiet Brotherhood of Enchanted Carpenters and Associated Crafts, QBECAC Local 4223
Slurverb the Dark Raffle-Master Evil to the max and not afraid to re-ruin your home town!
Grandpa Vengeance Overhenchman. Whats his game? Evil Yatzee? Doom Dominoes? Old as dirt and twice as mean!
Burny N'erdo'ell pyro henchman extraordinary!
and a cast of gory dead bodies!
Excerpts
Grandpa Vengeance swung his
Cane of Retribution into an exocentric arc as he screamed "
Pendulum of Payback (plus 3) !" It smashed into 'Grizzly’s'
Ribcage Helmet reeling him into Bl'ng Chiselchin, the two boys crashing into a heap on the cobles! Even though Sherbert was unconscious, and his
Furniliar,
Stooly was out of magics, the stool flew at the wicked old geezer with a wet smack! Rubbing his stomach in pain Grandpa Vengeance eyes twinkled. He may have been old and cruel… but he had a Furniliar of his own! The old villain was an Elemenstor! Savage magical wooden dentures flew out of his mouth greedily taking a bite out of the stool!
Sherbert howled as if in pain, "My stool! Oo! My precious stool! Who could do this to a stool? How could some monster just leave a stool laying here!? Look at it! There are pieces of stool everywhere! It’s disgusting! It’s horrible!"
"A boy and his stool," sighed Shona Sveltington, bored as ever.
"Stop it! Leave him to tend to his stool!" Sasquilla shouted, breasts heaving.
"I know a man" Shif'tay implied flatly. "A man who knows what to do with stools."
Holding his stool in both hands Sherbert pleaded, "but, can we trust him? I won’t give my stool to anybody! I need a stool artist!"
"Worry not boy! I, Lord Scranton Stufflebeam shall craft your stool into a thing of beauty! I will not just rejoin these shards of stool -I shall mould this forlorn pile into a monument to stools everywhere! When I am done your stool shall be packed with wholesomeness and magics unpredicted! I am inspired by this wretched lump! But why stand here playing with it? To work!"
"This one time, in Wizard Camp, I partially dematerialized my ambulatory and enchanted Credenza. Do not suffer amateur Elemenstorations lightly. They shall be the death of us all." Stufflebeam mysteriously quipped.
Fan Reactions
Despite the appearance of the slightly well regarded character Lord Scranton Stufflebeam, the book was met with fervent resistance by the ELotH:TES readership. One critic quipped on his blog, "I had intended to read and review "Broken Stool: Alchemical Boogaloo" this weekend, but that piece of essential elemental excrement actually burned my fingers and made me consider throwing away my ELotH:TES CCG." This spawned a strange habit in ELotH:TES fans: randomly hurling presumably unread copies of the book at Cons and fan gatherings while shouting "Element: Excrement +6!" Misunderstanding the rocketing sales, the publishers released Broken Stool: Alchemical Boogaloo the Comic. Ironically, the comic is currently worth a small fortune, due to the fact that not a single copy was ever sold, even in Japan.
Observations
This book is not technically part of the Tycho Brahe's Elemenstor Saga novella cycle, or "Elemenstor Dreizehntet (group of 13)," but was marketed under Tycho Brahe's name and is sometimes referred to as "the final nail in the Fünfzehntet (group of 15)." Fans speculate that it was written during a bad weekend by a failed kindergarten teacher under duress, possibly a victim of Tycho Brahe's card-sharping. While this theory is merely angry backlash, it may not be too far from the truth. "Broken Stool: Alchemical Boogaloo" clearly panders to teens, in the desperate hope of revitalizing the franchise with a new reader base. The subtext of the book, if there is one, is "the unlikely hero," largely regarded as a safe way to attract adolescent males. Amateurish detail is put into the budding relationship between the antagonist and the "Almost inappropriately beautiful Sasquilla, voluptuous beyond her years." With the narrative style swinging back and forth from naïveté to risqué, one begins to sense Tycho Brahe’s editorial hand censuring another author. Several of his stylistic signatures appear, including overwrought, almost feverishly illegible descriptions of gory deaths. Finally, a surprising amount of accurate detail is put in to the world of ELotH:TES: many questions are (unsatisfactorily) answered and several new characters and organizations are introduced. The content is disjointed to the point of seeming to be written by someone who never read the previous books, then hastily being rewritten by Tycho himself, adding credence to the otherwise tenuous "Kindergarten Theory."
This passage was clearly penned by two separate authors:
Jumping over the medium rend in the cobles, Bl'ng Chiselchin shot Sasquilla a winning smile that seemed to affect her already rosy cheeks. He then roguishly skipped out of the henchmen’s reach, goring out his eyes with his arrow points clutched in his fists stabbing and stabbing and stabbing and slitting his throat and kicking the body of the fallen foeman as blood sprayed making a ‘shpissss’ sound and coating the floor with gristle and gore and guts and the filth of war, never losing the lock his eyes held on Sasquilla’s, but did he mean it? Could he mean it?
As was this one:
‘Grizzly’ Grumper wondered why none of the young women ever looked at him in that way they seem to reserve for Bl'ng Chiselchin and the men of the Watch before their village was ruined. Why, even Sasquilla seemed to heave her bosom at Sherbert a bit more then was decent these days. He wandered away from camp to pick wild flowers, and ponder the matters of the heart some more. He knew he was big, but he was honest and handsome in his own way, someone would like to receive flowers from him. Suddenly a ferocious
Gore-Orc attacked ‘Grizzly!’ He forgot that bullshit as he reached for his dagger, but the
Gore-Orc kicked him in his loins and he dropped the knife so then he elbowed the Orc in the kidney and bit his throat but the Orc punched his eye over and over and then karate chopped him in the face so ‘Grizzly’ just started punching the
Gore-Orc’s vitals until they were pulpy and useless and the rage of the Orc causes him to shriek blood everywhere in the froth of war! ‘Grizzly’ hatched a bloody war plan -griping the creatures chest, he hauled the ribcage out of its body, which he then wore as a hat for the rest of the story, no matter what.
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