Blarf'vgelches

Bogyn's Nastiness Rating: 49 (Horrifically Nasty)

Creature Families: Mutant, Filthoid

Blarf'vgelches hold the rather dubious honor of being the most disgusting creatures in all of Battal. Their physiology has never been explained in detail, although certain descriptors like "a slimy, pulsating mass of twisted, stomach-invertingly horrible features" gives us enough of an idea that we have no desire to learn more. The natural habitat of the Blarf'vgelches is thought to be somewhere in the southwestern reaches of The Shield, as they seem to prefer forest and swamp areas.

Surprisingly, it's this very horribleness which makes Blarf'vgelches so prized. They tend to be captured and used for various purposes. The most common method of transporting them is within bronze boxes with very tiny airholes though which nothing can be seen. Sometimes, a Blarf'vgelch held in this way will be called a Blarf'vgelch-in-a-Box.

Uses for Blarf'vgelches

• During the time of the Magic Sword Kings, the Blarf'vgelches were typically used as a form of torture. Simply locking someone in a room with one of these creatures was usually enough to make them tell you anything you wanted to know. Forced physical contact with a Blarf'vgelch was even more demoralizing.
• Apparently, Dwarves use Blarf'vgelches to induce vomiting in case of poison ingestion. How the Blarf'vgelch is used is unknown.
• Blarf'vgelches actually contain organs which taste very good when cooked. However, dishes containing Blarf'vgelch tend to have rather ambiguous names, seeing as telling someone that they're eating Blarf'vgelch has been known to cause people to literally "puke their guts out." Some classic Blarf'vgelch dishes include Very Normal Meat Stew, Fried, Unmysterious Meat(s) on a Stick, and Definitely-Not-Blarf'vgelch Cassarole.
• Another food made from Blarf'vgelch meat, although this one eventually earned the title of "Worst Culinary Idea Ever" by just about anyone to taste/see/hear about it, was the ill-fated Blarf'vgelch Sashimi created during the Wang Dynasty.

Appearances in ELotH:TES Works

• Blarf'vgelches were encountered several times over the course of the books. However, as noted above, we're never given a complete description of them.
• A Blarf'vgelch-in-a-Box card for the CCG was apparently conceptualized but never printed
• Blarf'vgelches were mentioned several times on The Wizbits, though they were never shown. The most common use of them was to compare something unpleasant to "kissing a Blarf'vgelch" or "wrestling a Blarf'vgelch."
• Though Blarf'vgelches were also mentioned on the original ElamenSTAR anime, their names were changed to Bularuuchi seeing as "Blarf'vgelch" proved impossible for any of the Japanese voice actors to pronounce. Apparently, the name change was demanded after one of the voice actors literally ran screaming from the studio after trying to pronounce "Blarf'vgelch" for half an hour.

Notes

• Because of the effect that these creatures have on people, to blarf has itself become synonymous with the act of vomitting.
• It is unclear if Blarf'vgelches get their name from the sound they make when they move or the sound people usually make when they first see them. However, the above note makes the latter seem more likely.
• For the record, the proper pronounciation of Blarf'vgelch, according to The Wizbits, is "BLAHR-fuv-gelch", although Skip insisted on pronouncing it "blahr-fuh-GELCH".