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Battle of Terrible Vampyre Tactics

Page history last edited by Tim 15 years, 11 months ago

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The Battle of Terrible Vampyre Tactics

In its one-hundred-sixty-sixth year, the Unlight War would see a great battle that was arguably the only fight ever won by a force made up exclusively by Dim Elves. Their victory can mostly be credited to the fact that the Vampyre Hordes were led by none other than Gunter the Flick, who was an extremely poor choice as General, as his only real strategic genius lay in the playing of Agash. (He is in fact, one of the few in history to win at the game more than two or three times... "win", of course, meaning "survive".) Due to his incredible blunders, this would be known furthermore in the history of Battal as The Battle of Terrible Vampyre Tactics.

It is not clear why Gunter had singled out the Dwimelvan’tesal for destruction in the first place, though it is certain that reason had very little to do with the decision. He marched his Horde into the Dim Elf Lands and revealed his stratagem to the expectant throngs of warriors thristy for Elfin Blood.

"Today," boomed Gunter, "we shall turn the tide in our war on the Elf... today, one hundred and sixty years after Lord Vhadxi's defeat... we shall bring this entire race of pointy-toothed... teethed? Pointy-teethed bastards to utter extinction!"

The crowd was less than enthusiastic.

"Pointy-teethed?" whispered one of Gunter's pallid lieutenants.

"Is it -toothed?" Gunter leaned down and whispered back, "Or tooth'ed? I always get that one wrong..."

"No, we have the pointy teeth!"

"Which ones are we again?"

"We're the Vampyres! They're the Elves!"

"And...?"

"It's a war!"

"YES!" yelled Gunter to his troops, "we make war upon these Elves with their stupid customs and clothing, who think they're so great and whatnot... and... we kill them... with WEAPONS!"

Dead silence. Gunter consulted his lieutenant again:

"That's what we're doing, right?"

"Well, yeah... it's just kind of obvious."

"F'ing Vampyres" Gunter cleared his throat and started shouting again: "We shall wage these coming days a battle so Epic, that it will shake the world to its foundations, overwhelming our much less than Epic enemies to ashes and little chunks of bone!"

The Vampyre Horde began to cheer. This was what they had marched so long for. This was the battle that would ring one day throughout the halls of the future Vampyre Kingdom. This was the General who would lead them.

"And we shall begin by constructing on this barren fertile ground an entire city from which we shall strike out at them!"

As suddenly as it had begun, the cheering and applause halted.

-- excerpted from The Dawn of Unlight's Setting, Part 1: The Rise of Dusk

Gunter's strategy was very clear in his mind: The Dim Elves greatest weakness was their deficiency in Epicness, and so he must exploit it. He decided to build a Vampyre city outside the capital city of the Dim Elf Lands (Dwimelvan’astlevania, which means Dim Elf Hamlet in the language of the Dim Elves) that was much more epic and wage his war on the Dim Elves from there.

Over the next six years Gunter's army would lay waste to the woods and pilfer the hillsides of their precious metals, raising great towers to build a black city whose spires towered over that of the adjacent Dwimelvan’astlevania. Within this city his peons turned the machines of war to create every upgrade he possible could to prepare his warriors to storm the gates of the Dim Elf city and raze it to the ground. For miles and miles around the Dim Elf Lands were exploited by his hunger for conflict.

Finally, Gunter led his troops, who were by then fully armored, trained, and armed as the most sophisticated fighting force that the Vampyres had ever led in battle. As they approached the walls of Dwimelvan’astlevania, they were greeted by a cloud that swooped from behind the walls and descended upon them firing arrows. Not great arrows nor particularly swift. If anything they were a bit slower than most others, but arrows nonetheless. Arrows and harpoons. It was the only military force that the Dim Elves possessed... their army of Falconriders.

Gunter was completely unprepared for this contingency. In his mind he had done everything right... his buildings and his troops had been upgraded to the hilt, prepared to rush the Dim Elves and level them. But they had absolutely no projectile weapons whatsoever.

The Falconriders, over the next few hours, basically herded Gunter's army across the plains until they all had been shot dead, and then burned his Epic Vampyre Citadel to the ground. They were home in time for lunch (Bread sandwiches, lettuce salad and water: a splendorous meal the Dim Elves reserved only for the celebration of victories or special occasions, of which there were very few ever recorded).

Gunter the Flick survived, and upon returning to Vhadxi, was reprimanded... sort of. The Vampyre Lord was a much better strategist than his vassal, and knew that attempting to punish a man who was once "Emperor of Morlond's Field" was sheer folly. He decided instead, to "promote" Gunter to command of his special Agash Brigade (or as it was called by the rest of The Twelve Twisted Evil, the "Stupid Suicide Squad"). Somehow, where Gunter had failed as a General of strategy and real-time tactics, he was an unparralled success as a commander of the turn-based random savagery of Massively Multiplayer Agash.

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